Six months

What's up with all these "anniversary" posts, anyway?

I'm just processing, that's all :)

So, it's been six months since my dad passed away.  It is surprising that it's been that long, and it also feels like it's been longer.  I feel like I haven't talked to him in a very long time.... But lately I've been hearing his voice in my head.  Little things he'd say, jokes, and funny quips.  I miss our daily chats.  I miss everything, really.

Everyone tells me this first year is the hardest.  Obviously.  Father's day was difficult, but we fondly remembered driving to Port Clinton to spend the day with him.  Mother's day and birthdays are hard because we sorely miss his phone call.  Monthly "anniversaries" remind us of the distance created by all the time that we have spent just remembering when he was here.  We can't talk, can't call, can't see him.

I am reminded often that he'd be pleased with me, and that's reassuring.  Mostly, he'd be so happy that we are having another baby and I'm sure he'd be excited that it's a boy (he just had us two girls).  Sometimes when I'm cooking I wish I could talk with him about it- we always talked about what we were cooking that day.  We listen to music that he listened to so it simultaneously reminds me of him and calls me back to my youth- driving in the car, listening to dad sing loudly to the music.  The memories are so vivid, I hope they stay that way.  I wish you could take video of your memories, you know?

I'm thankful for a supportive husband who lets me talk about my dad whenever I feel like it.  I'm thankful that he misses him, too, and brings it up when he feels some sadness.  I'm thankful that he lets me process without urging me to feel any different than I already feel (sometimes well-meaning folks just try to cheer up someone who is grieving).  I'm mostly thankful that I married a man who loves to listen to classic rock.  Who knew?!  I'm as surprised as you, but he loves Bob Dylan and will turn on the Bob Dylan station on Pandora which, if you aren't familiar, then loops similar artists.  So we spend our days listening to blues and rock.  Pink Floyd, The Doors, Tom Petty, Janis Joplin, The Band, CCR, Bo Diddley, Paul Simon... I could go on and on.  It's so wonderful.

Which, while I'm rambling, reminds me of the last memory my dad and Kraig shared.  We were on skype just a week before he died and Kraig had just come home from work.  It was the first and only time we skyped with my dad- he had just set up his camera.  Kraig picked up Owen's toy harmonica and played an expressive little riff.  It was something my dad would have done.  I like those memories and those little glimpses of similarities between my father and the man I married.  I'm glad I get to carry those with me forever.

With his favorite little man.  

So, six months and we all miss him terribly.  The grief is getting better and I feel like I am in a healthy place- I miss him but am not overwhelmed with sadness at each thought of him.  I can look back on so many memories and smile.  I think I'm in the "safe zone" where people start to ask about him more.  Probably because they think it's been long enough that I'm not going to break down in a weepy mess of tears.  Either way, I like weaving stories about my dad into my day, and am thankful for a reason to share a little bit of who he was and who he is to me.