Heading home

We were so excited to finally go home, though it was certainly nice to have a personal "assistant" while we were at Alma.  Finally we'd be able to test our merit as parents of two.  

Our last photo in the Lily room:

Navigating steps two days postpartum- harder than it seems.

Dylan wasn't all that excited about his carseat.  Thankfully he went from this

....to this on the drive home.  Whew.  Looks like we don't have a car-ride-hater.  This makes life much easier.

Our stay at the birth center

Our time at Alma was so wonderful.  We had a postpartum doula (they provide this) 24 hours a day.  She would check our vitals and offer help, but also left us alone when we were resting.  They cooked two meals for us and picked up food from a restaurant of our choosing one meal each day.  They also made me mugs and mugs of tea.... They were all so kind, and we are so thankful to have had such a peaceful experience.  

Kraig and Owen went home each night to rest (Owen was still recovering from his cold.)  We figured if half of us were well rested that we'd be better able to tackle the daytimes.  So it was just D and me at the birth center each night, which was fine and went really smoothly thanks to the doulas.  

We left on Saturday- two days after he was born- but not before receiving a postpartum massage.  It was heavenly.  

Some photos from Dylan's first day:

He spent a lot of time skin-to-skin with me, tucked in my shirt like a little kangaroo.  It was sweet.

Brothers

I'll start out this story with a tangent.  

Labor was emotionally difficult for Kraig and I.  Don't get me wrong- we were doing wonderfully managing the labor itself, but shortly after I got in the tub at our house (3am) I started crying because I missed Owen.  I couldn't process the thought more than that- but I think it was much deeper, of course.  I had a sense that the previous night together was our last as a family of three.  I think I longed to hold my boy just one more time before we introduced this new little person into his and our lives.... but he was sleeping.

This feeling of missing Owen continued on and off throughout labor.  Kraig was feeling the same way, and from his description it was even more intense for him.  He said that while I was pushing he felt like his heart was literally aching.  He didn't want to cry so as not to upset me at that time, but he felt such an intense longing to see Owen that it physically hurt.  

I think we were both processing the "loss" of our 3-person family, knowing that our relationship with Owen wouldn't be the same again.  

And so, the hour between the birth and when Owen arrived seemed to last for.ev.er.  We both sat in bed with Dylan and tapped our fingers waiting for O to arrive.  

Finally, finally, finally he showed up!  He was more excited than we dared to dream that he would be and we were thrilled to see him.  He started asking if Baby Tiny came out, and if he was "borned".  He hopped up on the bed and started looking him over, kissing his head, and asking about where his feet and weenie (yes, really) were.  He was terribly concerned about the weenie- where was it, did he have one, could he see it.  Boys will be boys?

Owen has such a gentle touch with his brother.  Thankfully, 10 days later, we still rarely have to correct his touching.  He loves his baby brother and is very, very sweet with him.

He wanted to help Stephanie with the newborn exam.  Such an awesome little helper, he is.

We haven't noticed much acting out, and absolutely no jealousy (so far).  He doesn't mind that we have to hold Dylan a lot or that Dylan gets mommy's milk (Owen remembers breastfeeding).  He even tries to help with diapers and feeding times.  He sings Dylan songs when he is upset which instantly calms the crying.  Dylan is absolutely enamored with Owen- his eyes turn to Owen whenever he is nearby (this doesn't consistently happen with Kraig's or my presence.)  There is a really special sense of knowing between these two and it's amazing to see.  We're so blessed by these two boys.

Of course, we had to fulfill our promises about all the treats we'd have to celebrate Dylan's arrival.  I think his love for his brother is true, but the doughnuts probably sweetened the deal ;-)

Dylan's Birth

Wednesday November 23, 2011  3:00pm  Our last prenatal appointment

I was feeling pretty patient as we met with our midwives for the last time.  We had another NST which Dylan passed beautifully, of course.  We didn't have much to discuss so it was a pretty boring appointment.  Nobody felt like I was going to go into labor soon.  We scheduled our next BPP for Friday, our next NST for Monday, and while I joked that I wouldn't need them since I'd have the baby I truly didn't believe it.  I was just being positive.  Deep down I thought I'd have him in about 4 or 5 days.  

4:00pm  We ran a few last minute errands to get groceries for our Thanksgiving feast.  Then we headed to our "last supper" at Hungry Tiger Too.  Vegan corn dogs!  Yes, really.  We had a lovely time, and I got a nice compliment from our waitress on how good I looked.  She was shocked that I was due a week prior.  Heh.

5:30pm We start prepping our Thanksgiving food for the next day.  Our plan was that either I'd be eating it warmed up at the birth center, or we'd get to enjoy it at home.  I enlisted Kraig to help me cook- it took some convincing (I may get a little.... bossy? in the kitchen) but after some begging he obliged.  I was thrilled that he was helping me.  Nothing like rubbing elbows with your honey in the kitchen.  Owen giggled to Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving in the background.  We were having a lovely time.  

The last photo taken of my pregnant- ever.

10:45pm We finished our preparations.  Nothing was cooked (except the pumpkin pie) but everything was ready to go.  Owen had been asleep for a while, and we finally headed to bed ourselves.  I couldn't sleep which was nothing new, so I hopped around from room to room finishing up some online work, going to the bathroom umpteen times, and bouncing on the birth ball to try to get the kicking baby in my belly to calm down for the night.  I had been having some crampy braxton-hicks contractions all night, but I'd had them for weeks- months even- so I thought nothing of it.  I thought to myself "they'll go away while I'm sleeping, like they always do."

Thursday November 24, 2011

around 1:00am I fell asleep.  Finally.

2:00am  I wake to a particularly crampy, uncomfortable contraction.  In a sleepy fog I thought "Huh, that hurts, I think I just have to pee and it will feel better" so I rolled myself out of bed and into the bathroom.  I was shivering (it's cold in our house) and then climbed back into bed where I had another contraction that felt the same.  Ouch!  I was moaning a bit and shaking still, which woke Kraig.  He asked if I was okay- I said "yes just having some contractions."  I had said that before- he knew I got BH contractions a lot, so he never thought much of it.  This time he hopped out of bed.  I said "I need to go to the bathroom again, can you help me?" so he helped me up and then held me through another contraction while I shivered and moaned.  This was different.  I didn't think it was labor, but Kraig was apparently convinced.  I kept telling him "No, no they'll go away, go back to sleep."

2:30am He started brewing coffee.

I begged him not to drink it- I didn't want him to be up all night then cranky the next day.  I tried to convince him to sleep since it wasn't really labor.  I probably wasn't very convincing as I stood at the couch timing my 4-minutes-apart contractions while deeply humming through them and swaying my hips.  It likely didn't help that I needed counterpressure on my lower back, or that each one was lasting at least a minute and a half.  I may have been in denial at the time, but I'm thankful that Kraig was up and ready, making preparations around the house for us to leave soon even as I asked him to stop :-)

3:00am I called my midwife and let her know "I think I'm in labor".  I told her about their timing, and she tried to tell me to rest in between and call back when I was ready to come in to the birth center.  I laughed at her, letting her know there was no way I was laying down through these.  Yowza.

I got in the tub and Kraig kept it warm by boiling tea kettles of water and pouring them in periodically while he went about putting bags in the car, etc.  I moaned through each contraction, and the weightlessness of being in the water seemed to help just a bit.  I suddenly felt as though maybe this was it, and that IF it was that I should start getting things ready myself.  I was sad I wasn't able to bake cupcakes like I'd wanted to (I wanted to have cupcakes ready for a "birth-day" celebration) but figured the pumpkin pie and cinnamon rolls would have to do.  Things were too intense for me to start baking.  I thought about how perfect this timing was- laboring in the middle of the night while Owen slept, and Donna and Gordon could just come join him soon and be here when he woke up.  Hopefully I wouldn't labor for long- maybe we'd have a baby around lunchtime, I thought.  We tried to hold off on calling D & G until 6am so we wouldn't wake them too early....

3:45am I get out of the tub and start getting dressed.  I kneel on all fours on the bed and yell into a stack of pillows with each contraction.  I thought to myself how awful this felt, how excruciating back labor is, and that it better be the real thing because I didn't want to do it again if this was a false start.  I wondered when to call the midwife, and how far along Kraig was in his preparation.  I hoped not to wake Owen....

5:00am Enough.  I'm nearly in tears when I think about how much longer I might have to go.  I am in agony with each contraction, but totally calm and composed in between.  This makes me think that I am not far along (with Owen's birth I couldn't get a handle on myself between contractions.... and that is the difference between a medicated and unmedicated labor!)  I was surprised by how well I was handling it really, and thus thought that it was going to get SO much worse.  I call Stephanie in between contractions and tell her I can't handle it anymore.  She asks if I want to come in and use the birth tub.  Yes, please!  We agree to meet there at 5:40.  Kraig calls Gordon after the next contraction and tells them this is it, we need them ASAP.  Well, we almost made it to 6am, I guess ;-)

5:30am We leave for the birth center.  The drive takes only 10 minutes (hello perfect timing- early morning on a holiday = no traffic.)  Kraig only runs one red light ;-)  We arrive, but the gate is locked so I finish one more contraction in the car before we shuffle quickly to our room just as another one hits.  I manage two more outside the tub as we wait for it to cool a bit.  I eagerly get in and never get out until after he is born.....  Once again, being weightless in the tub really helped with the back labor and just generally helping me to relax and let my body open up and do the work. 

6:00am By now two of the three midwives are there, and one asks to check me so they know when to call Steph to come in.  I am eager but nervous to know how far I am dilated.  I say out loud "oh please let me be more than a 3, please be more than a 3...." since I was 3cm when they last checked on Monday (I didn't want a check at Wednesday's appointment because I just didn't care to know- I was convinced labor wasn't starting soon!)  She checked (and can I note how much more gentle a midwife is than hospital staff?  Oh wow.  Cervical checks in the hospital were pure agony each and every time.  Ridiculously painful.  My midwives have never made me so much as wince with an exam.)  and she said he was at 0 station, 70% effaced, and SIX CENTIMETERS!!!!!  I know enough to know that 7-10 can go pretty fast, and that they are often the hardest for the mama to manage.  Being at 6 meant we were almost there!  I was so thrilled I cried, and I said "so I'm really in labor?!" (denial much?) and Jaimee said "Oh yes, I could have told you that before I checked you!"  Heh.  I just thought I was being dramatic and they'd send me home telling me this wasn't the real deal.  Well shoot, here we go then!

I continue to manage the contractions by just holding on tightly to my hips through each one, and moaning/yelling, often saying "no no no no no" and "make it stop make it stop".  My uterus wasn't relaxing much during each rest period, but they told me that is because my body was just being really efficient and to let it happen.  Use my break, they'd tell me.  Tell yourself YES instead of NO, they'd say.  Ha.  

I started to feel tingly in my arms and legs.  I also wanted more quiet, and for the lights to be off and curtains closed.  I wanted a dark, quiet place to birth my baby- much like animals seek out a quiet dark nest to birth in.  I started to think maybe I was getting closer- perhaps this was transition?  I also kept telling them I couldn't do it, I wanted to stop, I needed a break, I couldn't handle it.  I knew very well that I WAS doing it, that I COULD go on, but each contraction was just so awful.....  I started vigorously rubbing my lower back with each contraction.

8:00am I start to feel a little pressure, like I needed to push.  I couldn't believe it- maybe I just needed to go to the bathroom?  I tell Jaimee and she says to breathe through it and maybe give a tiny push to see if it feels right.  I do, and it does.  The urge slowly gets stronger and stronger, and I push a little more each time.  I still didn't believe I should be pushing- I had only had the one cervical check, which was just 2 hours before and I couldn't possibly be nearly done, right?!  Could I be so lucky?!  Stephanie arrives and I tell her I feel pushy.  I ask her to check me to see if I'm reading my body's signals wrong... She says sweetly "if your body is telling you to push, just push.  I'm not checking you.  Push and let me know if it feels pinched or painful at all."  I tell her after the next contraction that it feels good to push, no pinching.  She says that is because I am complete (10cm) and nothing is swelling.  If something were tearing or swelling, it would hurt.  (We had previously spoken extensively about how women don't truly need to wait to ten centimeters to push- the body would rarely give the urge if it wasn't okay to do it.  She has never had an issue with mamas pushing too early, even if they start pushing at 7 cm, because the body just finishes moving that last bit of cervix out of the way with each push.)  So I felt fine not knowing if I was truly at ten, I was just following my body's signals and that felt right.

I know that multiparas push, on average, 20 minutes.  I could do twenty minutes!  I start asking how much longer she thinks it will be.  Like, how many more pushes?  She guesses 6.  I can do 6!  I start to feel energized and confident that I am really going to do this.  Everyone is excited.  I ask Kraig to get in the tub with me.  It feels so good to push with each contraction, while simultaneously being a really awful, uncomfortable sensation :-)

(Birth photos ahead- nothing graphic.  Many are blurry but I am grateful to have these raw, emotional moments captured.  My memory is fuzzy so it's kind of fitting anyway, right? :-)  I couldn't possibly delete them just because they are less than perfect.  These are amazing moments.  Enjoy.)

I ask Steph if she can see the head.  She can't, but she checks and he's just "one knuckle in, with a bulging bag of waters".  That's right- my water never broke.  I think this is why I hadn't felt his head come through my cervix- it was well-cushioned with the amniotic sac.  I had always wanted my water to be left alone (my midwife's policy is to rarely artificially rupture the membranes anyway) because it often means a much gentler birth since the baby's skull bones aren't grinding on mama's pelvis.  I had a very strong bag of waters with Owen's birth (artificially broken at 10cm) so I knew there was a chance it just might not break on its own...

I tried a leaning back position. Um, no thanks. 

I am digging into Kraig's side with each contraction- poor guy.  He was in a lot of pain but remained calm.  This is taking longer than I thought it would.... I start to say I want it over, just get him out.  I also start pushing much more effectively and much harder, with a few "bonus" pushes in between- only when my body would give me that signal.  I was just rolling with what felt right.  It was amazing to be so in tune with my body.  Baby was kicking me, as if he was kicking off a swimming pool wall.  I knew that unmedicated babies did this- they are actively trying to push themselves out.  Amazing!  It hurt, but I was (and still am) so grateful that I was able to experience all these little nuances of how birth was designed to be... Baby and I were such a great team! (and Kraig, too, of course!)

totally with it, conversing and even joking between contractions.

This might be a bit too much info, but finally I could feel the bulging bag of waters outside of my body.  Still intact, of course, but it was like a water balloon as large as a big grapefruit.  Pretty awesome!  Now just to get the head out and I'd be home free....

Finally I felt "the ring of fire" and knew he was crowning.  I kept pushing, pushing, pushing, and out he came!  Steph said she slipped a loose cord over his head without breaking the bag of waters- it was so strong!  It broke once I gave one more push and his slippery body came flying out.  I heard Steph say "reach down and get your baby".  I sat back and grabbed his sweet little body from underneath the water at 9:20am (just over an hour of pushing).  He was so tiny and perfect in my arms!  Kraig was immediately by my side and he started weeping instantly at the sight of his new son.  I was just so thrilled that it was done!  We did it!  And oh my, we were taken back by how beautiful this new baby was.  We cooed over him and welcomed him to the world.  He didn't cry- just looked around and squirmed.  He was very content right from the start.  

staring at perfection

 I birthed the placenta and then got out of the tub.  We spent the day snuggled in bed with our new little man!  (more stories- including Owen and Dylan's meeting- to come.)

Such a sweet baby boy

I am sure I have so much more to say in the coming weeks, but for now I am so shocked at how unbelievably perfect everything was.  The timing, the fact that I got an hour of rest before laboring, how smoothly we got to the birth center, how composed I was throughout, and how fast everything happened.

I never set out to birth without drugs for bragging rights, or for some kind of weird sadistic pleasure.  I don't need a medal, and I would never lord it over someone that I did it "right" or "better".  But for me, birthing without meds simply means that the birthing hormones that are naturally and perfectly designed aren't messed with.  Once drugs and interventions are introduced the body's own hormonal responses (both mama's and baby's) are suppressed.  This interferes with both the birth process itself (i.e. makes labor longer, more painful, and a slew of other side effects) as well as the precious hours and days after the birth.  The bonding hormones are suppressed, the baby's natural responses to stimuli and the mother's instincts are all lowered due to the artificial hormones that have been introduced.  I didn't want that.  I had a birth like that, and I never wanted that ever again.  Yes, epidurals are beautiful things, but I personally value the natural design.  I also respect every woman's ability to choose the birth experience that SHE desires.  I am thankful that I had the choice and the resources to make it happen.

And so, I am extremely grateful for this birth experience- it was beautiful, and much easier than I anticipated after having experienced a painful, unnatural, highly medicated hospital birth.  I kept expecting things to get out of control, for it to be much more pain than I could bear (like it was with pitocin) and for me to totally lose my bearings.  But none of that ever happened.  I wish everyone could experience birth in this way- I am blessed to have been able to feel each and every sensation and to see the harmony between mama's body and baby's body.  I'm glad I wasn't numb.  I am glad I didn't drug myself or my baby.  I am glad nobody interfered with the natural progression or intervened to "help" me get the baby out.  My body knew just what to do.  I am so, so very thankful.  

I also think it's pretty cool that he was born "in the caul".  It's a very rare and auspicious thing, you know ;-)  What a special experience for all of us!

Announcing....

Dylan Timothy

8 pounds 11 ounces

21.5 inches

Born in the water at 9:20am

Thanksgiving morning

November 24, 2011

Mama and baby are doing wonderfully.  

We're all babymooning, so expect a delay in getting 

the rest of the details :-)

Another NST

This is fun right?  Reading about all the testing that I am doing every 2-3 days?

Well at least baby is showing us that he- and my placenta- are doing just perfectly.  He passed again yesterday, so no reason for worry.  Donna was sweet enough to come with me and Owen to the appointment since Kraig had to work (only his second time missing an appointment, and this wasn't a prenatal.  The first time was to take Owen to the doctor.  He's a great dad :-))

There were some encouraging signs since my last appointment (Wednesday) but nothing too exciting.  Baby was in ROA position which made me very, very happy.  He'd been posterior, and ROA is MUCH more optimal for laboring and birthing.  Owen was posterior and labor was hard, hard, hard.  In semi-related news, I've not gained any weight in a month (or more?) yet baby is definitely getting bigger and bigger.  Sigh.  I guess my body doesn't like to gain more than 20 pounds in a pregnancy.  Actually, I think my GD diet has a lot to do with the small weight gain this time around ;-)  I was hoping to have a little more "padding" for breastfeeding this time because I was so ravenous and lost weight so quickly last time- leaving me feeling rundown- but I am sure I can make up for lost time by attacking the cookie jar  healthy fats once baby is out.

The real bad news is that Owen and I are SO sick.  Owen had a fever on Friday/Saturday and then the congestion and deep cough developed on Sunday.  Mine started on Monday.  Oh joy!  It seems my body is telling me to patiently wait until we are all better before trying to labor.  Fair enough.  I certainly don't want to feel like *this* while I'm laboring.  This also means I've had to come to terms with having a Thanksgiving (or later) baby.  We're surprisingly okay with that as well.  If still pregnant, I am going to cook our T-giving feast on Wednesday and we'll eat it one way or another- either here or at the birth center.  I'm hoping for the BC so that I can actually eat it... (wow, is T-giving food carb-heavy or what?!)

We're hoping Kraig can still avoid the sickness.  We'll see.  We're less concerned about his performance during the birth than mine and Owen's, of course.

So today I am 40 weeks + 5 days and feeling very, very patient about baby's timing.  In fact, another day or two to rest and recover doesn't sound so bad.  Mostly I hope that Owen gets better quickly- it breaks my heart to think of having to leave him with someone while he is in such bad shape.  Poor guy.  We've never left him overnight, so in our minds the worst case scenario would be that we have to leave him at night... we're sort of hoping for a daytime birth if he is still sick.

So yes, still here, still pregnant, still doing well despite this unwelcome virus.   We'll have more to report after our regular prenatal appointment tomorrow.

BPP and a photo of babe

fuzzy profile shot- he was busy practicing his swallowing skills

That's right- baby had his 4th ultrasound this pregnancy.  Le sigh.  I don't love having multiple ultrasounds, but at this point I suppose they are teetering on "necessary".  He did very, very well during his biophysical profile- he completed all the "tasks" (fine and gross motor movement) and his heart rate, cord, etc looked great.  We were out in 15 minutes- they are given 30 minutes to "pass".  It was so nice to see him again, even though we'd rather see him in person!  His little hands were up by his face and we got to watch his diaphragm moving as he practiced his breathing skills.

We have another photo that better shows his face, but it's pretty abstract (taken from a weird angle) so not really worth posting.  I'd just have to explain everything that you're seeing.  But he has a cute little nose and such a sweet face!  I know, I know... all babies look alike in ultrasounds (or so everyone says) but we have a certain affinity for our button-nosed boys-- they get that from their mama ;-).

So we're still waiting- I had about 5 hours of uncomfortable contractions yesterday.  Let's just say we had an awkward- and quick- trip to Trader Joe's wherein I made many shoppers nervous that I was about to have a baby.  Ahem.  Anyway, I knew it wasn't the real thing, and am glad that my body is "practicing".  I know it's helping to dilate and prepare my body, so I will take all the practice I can get, especially if it makes for a faster, easier labor later!

I have another NST tomorrow and might ask for a cervical sweep.  It's my last ditch effort to get baby out before Thanksgiving, though I have come to terms with him deciding to come over the holiday weekend.  We will be seriously shifting plans around if that happens, but we're ready for it if we need to do so.  And anyway, Owen has been sick with something awful (a cold, I think, but he is very rundown) since Friday so now is not the *best* time to be going into labor.  Hopefully he's feeling better ASAP.

I'm still hopeful though, and I think 11/21, 11/22, or 11/23 sound like perfect birthdays.  They have a nice ring to them, don't they?

Happy Due Date to me! 40 Weeks

November 17th.

Well, it's here.  The day I've been keeping a secret (maybe not so successfully?) for 9 months.  There were two reasons for our secrecy:
#1.  Due dates are misnomers- babies gestate for anywhere from 38-42 weeks on average (with babies coming earlier and even much later).  So really, baby is not so much "due" today as he is due this month.  Most  people don't see it this way though....
#2.  I really don't like the pressure people put on pregnant mamas to pop the baby out by a certain time.  Everyone gets antsy, people start fear-mongering as if your body doesn't know what it's doing (::eye roll::), and they even start throwing around the dreaded "I" word (induction).  Like I have said before- asking me when he is coming isn't helping him come faster.

Since people are already bothering me (really- you're all lovely and I know you're excited, but seriously....) I figure I failed in one of my original objectives.

But!

Not focusing on the due date did wonders for us emotionally.  We don't put much, if any, stock in it and that has given us great perspective throughout our pregnancy.  Despite intellectually knowing that the EDD doesn't mean much during our first pregnancy, it was still difficult knowing the date had passed- especially with hospital induction policies hanging over our heads, which thankfully we DO NOT have this time.  Nobody is going to force my baby out, and I feel really, really, really great about that.  Whenever we were asked when we were due throughout this pregnancy we replied "November" or "mid-November".  That's really what we think- we weren't just being obstinate.  Also, please note that it is still November.  Baby isn't "late"- he's going to come right on time. ;-)

I feel much, much more at peace this time and a lot of it has to do with my perspective.  Babies really do come when they are ready (don't listen to the fear-mongering).  My body really does know how and when to go into labor.  And though I really don't want a Thanksgiving baby, I'll be happy with whenever he decides to come.

....Not that we're not trying to encourage that to happen- I got a massage and hiked up a small volcano (seriously) today.  Am I hopeful that any of those things will get labor started?  Meh.  Not really.  But we had fun celebrating the day anyway.

My midwife appointment yesterday was great.  We did an non-stress test (I "need" more monitoring now because I'm at term and have gestational diabetes).  Baby was napping but he did wake up a few times in order to pass the test.  We talked about how I'm feeling, and then did a cervical check.  I won't share the details (you're welcome) but I was encouraged by my progress, and baby is at -1 station (very low but not technically "engaged" which is normal).  I might have a fast labor after all (fingers crossed!)

If still pregnant, we have a BPP (biophysical profile) Friday, and another NST on Monday.  We'll have another on Wednesday if I make it to my next prenatal appointment.  So we're monitoring baby's health every 2-3 days.  I'm glad to be checking in with him, but frankly I know he is doing well.  Whatever.  We'll get a peek at his sweet little face tomorrow, so I can't complain.

SO, yep I'm still pregnant.  Baby is doing great.  And today was our due date, which really means absolutely nothing at all ;-P

Pregnancy: 39.5 weeks (better late than never!)

This *could* be my last update!  It could also be my third to last, or second to last....  In any case, we're on high alert around here.  There've not been too many changes, but we know that doesn't really mean anything.

I'm so done.  There, I said it.  I finally feel a little bit impatient (not terribly so, though).  I know baby will come when he is ready and that is TOTALLY FINE with me, but this sciatic and pelvic pain, bathroom breaks every 10 minutes or less (hourly at night- believe it. It's not an exaggeration), and generally not sleeping well AT ALL has me wishing this would end sooner rather than later.   Put me outta my misery, you know?

So yeah, let's get this show on the road.

I did not get the stretch and sweep last week but plan to this week if I make it that far.  My due date (dateS, really, since I have been given two for two different reasons.  Actually three, but one passed already. Heh.) are within this week.  So I feel like it wouldn't hurt anything to see if it moves things along.  Research shows that it shortens pregnancy by one week, so if it keeps me from having a Thanksgiving baby, then bring it on.  I really want to eat mashed potatoes and stuffing and pie.....

The house is ready, bags are by the door, and the boys' room is more ready than ever (though not completely done).  Baby Buesch, we are ready for you.

In the meantime, if you're wondering if I've had the baby yet, please check this website.

Trust me, you'll all know as soon as there is something to know.  Watched pots never boil, you know.  But hovering around a pregnant lady waiting for something to happen is a good way to get a spoonful of snark.  I may not be grumpy and impatient (yet), but I don't know any pregnant women who enjoy the weeks of "Have you had that baby yet?  Anything happening?  You look ready to pop!"  Just keeping it real.  Please be patient.  I'll update if there's anything happening, and in the meantime I prefer not to tell every person who asks about the state of my uterus.

Here are a few photos:

39.5 weeks.  

Owen wanted to be in the picture with mama.

lots of love for his brother

He was rubbing and saying "come out Baby Tiny!  I want to meet you!"

As you can see, my henna is all but faded away.  There are a few shadows of it remaining but it's pretty much gone.  Sad day.  Still, it was an awesome tribute to baby and I'm so glad I did it!  It was beautiful while it lasted ;-)

Hopefully my next update is with a baby in my arms, but don't hold your breath.  We'll check in after our midwife appointment on Wednesday!    

Sneak Peek

The boys' room isn't completely finished yet... But I'm getting there!  Here are a few things that are done so far....

Wall art cluster.  The bottom two frames are awaiting very special personalized pieces of art.

Owen's bed and custom-made blanket.  (The far corner is flipped so you can see the back).

More photos of the blanket (these were taken by the quilter)

His name is on the right side, below the middle strip of bikes.

I absolutely adore this blanket.  She did an AMAZING job, and Owen loves it too!  I have big dreams of him taking it to college with him someday.  Of course, the bike theme is just perfect for Portland.

And the crib.  I love this gray crib- possibly Kraig's best idea ever.  Owen likes to tuck his little babies in for bed.  He's going to be a great big brother.

I love how the room is coming together.  The dark/light blue and gray color scheme is great!  I need just a few more touches on some of the walls and the room will be finished.  I want it to be *just right* though, so it may not be complete for a little while.

Our birth center

It dawned on me that I'd never shown you around our birth center!  It is far, far different than what most people imagine a birth center to be- that is because many hospitals these days are calling their L&D units "birth centers" so as to appeal to the more natural-minded mamas.  I won't even go into the issues I have with that (my first birth was at a "birth center," mind you) but I will say it's just a ploy.  Don't fall for it ;-)  Anyway, I understand that these days most people think "hospital" when they think of birthing places.  Alma is not at ALL a hospital, as you'll see.  This is total hippie midwifery here, you guys.  (Again, that may be hard to imagine because most of you, my dear readers, live in areas of the country where midwives usually only practice in hospitals.)

Alma birth center (my midwife is in photos 6 & 10 in that slideshow! Love her!) is not attached to or affiliated with a hospital.  It is, quite literally, a renovated beautiful old house that has both the "clinical" area (see photo below) and the actual birthing suites.  It is very much like birthing in the comfort of my own home, only I'm birthing in someone else's "home" (again, this is the feel that a lot of hospital birth centers are going for, but you know better than to believe that, right?)  While the midwives do have access to certain medical equipment (pitocin for hemorrhage, oxygen tanks, suturing equipment, etc.) there are no large medical machines such as fetal monitoring systems.  All monitoring is done by doppler or fetoscope.  No IV poles, nurse call buttons, or hospital gowns.  There are no infant incubators- boxes, as I call them- no surgical tables, no hospital beds.  There are queen-sized beds for birthing and sleeping and pull-out couches if needed.  Co-sleeping is the norm unless you request a bassinet- a real bassinet, not a hospital one ;-)

I'll quit going on about it, just take a look at these photos.  There is nothing hidden, they don't wheel in equipment from another room... in fact the only other rooms in the birth center are common areas (read: living room), kitchens, and a janitorial closet area.  That's it.  Like I said- it's just a renovated house- nothing medical about it!

This is one of the prenatal care rooms- no table with stirrups- all exams are done right there on that chaise lounge!  Small cart to the right with things like kleenex, measuring tapes, doppler and gel.

This is one of 4 birthing suites, and happens to be the one we chose as our first choice for a birthing room.  No hospital beds, no big machines, no warming tables.  Just like my house except LOOK AT THAT GORGEOUS TUB!  Can't wait to labor (and hopefully deliver) in there!

Lovely isn't it?!  So very cozy.

So there you have it!  They do perform *some* newborn procedures IF mamas consent, such as eye ointment and vitamin K.  There are also alternatives to things like vitamin K, like an oral, botanical version.  I love choices!  The best part about this style of midwifery care is that all the benefits and risks of any given test or procedure are given to you a few weeks beforehand and you read over it all and then consent to or waive anything you want.

Again, all the equipment that they have at the birth center would be brought to my home if I was choosing a home birth.  Anything else that is needed (unlikely) requires a transfer to the hospital (narcotics, NICU, operating room, etc.)  But, birth is a very normal process so all that's *really* needed is a few towels and a sterile pair of scissors, right?  (that was kind of an exaggeration, but not really!)

We're so glad to live in a state that allows lay midwives and direct-entry midwives, and where women have a choice about where and how they want to bring their child into the world.

So, what our birth is going to look like is this:  If I *think* I am in labor, I call one of my midwives.  They come to my house and check things out, then stay if I am indeed in labor and act as a support person.  Once things are really moving along (assuming they are not moving along *too* quickly) we all hop in our cars and head to the birth center where the other two midwives meet us.  We labor and birth, then the midwives stay for a couple of hours to be sure me and baby are doing well.  They leave, and a post-partum doula takes care of us around the clock- feeding us two homemade meals and one takeout meal- until we decide to leave which might be immediately, it might be two days later, or anywhere in between.  We are allowed to check-out whenever we see fit, and even if we stay (i.e. sleep at the birth center) we are allowed to come and go as we please for walks, coffee trips, etc.  IF we stay two days, I get a free post-partum one hour massage.  Bliss.  [If I refuse to leave my house during labor (women in labor are hard to please!) or if labor is progressing way too quickly then we stay here at home.  The rest of my midwifery team (3 total) will come here with their birth bags and we'll birth here.]

There are a lot of differences in our care at the birth center versus what we would experience at a hospital or even at home.  The 24-hour personal doula is an amazing benefit.  She is not, however, a nurse.  Any issues would require her to call in a midwife to check things out, but the midwives also do a 1, 2, and 3 day post-partum visit.  We won't be eating hospital food.  We won't have our sleep interrupted by vitals checks and the constant onslaught of hospital staff (the doulas check vitals every 4 hours, unless we are sleeping, but no longer than 8 hours between vitals checks.  The hospital did it every 4, period.)  On the other hand, we will not be in the comfort of our house, which means we will have to keep Owen comfortable in this new environment (fingers crossed he sleeps well!).  I think that for us, the birth center is a nice middle option- lots of amenities that we don't have here, but it is obviously not a hospital.

We are really, really looking forward to this birth experience, but we also understand that it isn't for everyone.  There isn't a team of doctors in a nearby wing, there is no NICU, there is not a lot of high-tech medical equipment.  Those things make some people feel very safe.  However, I personally feel birth is a very safe, normal event (since I am low-risk) and thus the medicalization of birth is, to me, highly unnecessary.  To me, this birth experience will be very therapeutic and heal a lot of the scars from my first birth.  I am thrilled and grateful that I will be able to have this experience.

I'm just saying....

wow, is this little guy making up for lost time. 

It's like it totally clicked for him once he turned head-down (THAT'S RIGHT!  HE DID IT! -with the doc's help, of course).  Now he's really engaging and... ouch.  That's all I'm going to say about that.  

I did have some progress at my midwife appointment today.  Shocking, really, since he wasn't putting ANY pressure down there when he was breech.  So the fact that I was still dilating was a pleasant surprise.  Now I'm scared by how fast I might dilate since he is in position now.  Yowza.  Bring it on, though!

I just have to finish a few things- Kraig has to pack his bag.  I need to throw a few necessities in mine.  And we need to get some groceries so our sitter can feed Owen :-)  But then?  Then we are ready. 

I'm so proud of Baby today.  He cooperated so very well.  Here's how it went down:

Started out with ultrasound to check for his position as well as cord position.  He looked great, definitely head up and facing to the right.  His cord was, however, draped across the back of his neck and was possibly wrapped around his neck (checking the cord via u/s is not exactly a science, especially since you can only see certain angles.)  This was disheartening to hear/see because I thought perhaps that meant he was breech BECAUSE of his cord.  Valid concern.  The doc (naturopath, to clarify) said he had turned babies with cords wrapped around their necks and it turned out fine.  So he wanted to give it a try and we'd constantly monitor his heart tones to be sure of no distress, and if he met resistance he'd stop.  I was nervous but hopeful.  I knew they wouldn't do anything to harm him.  

So, here's where it got interesting.  Doc gave me some terbutaline to relax my uterus during the procedure.  He said it starts working in about ten minutes.  Then he had me turn so my legs were at the head of the bed, my knees draped over the back- yes, I was essentially upside down (the head of the bed was up).  This was to help get baby out of my pelvis.  It worked, as unconventional as it may seem!  Then doc got to work and started digging and manipulating baby to get him to turn.  Ouch.  To say it was uncomfortable is a little bit of an understatement.  It was a struggle to stay relaxed enough through the procedure in order for him to be able to work effectively.  I did okay, though- panting and crying and wincing all the way.  My midwives were amazing and supportive, and it was great to have Kraig's hand to squeeze the entire time.  It hurt.  Bad.  But!  It was over in 5-6 minutes.  THAT'S SUPER FAST!  And thank goodness- I don't think I could have handled it for much longer.  Best words of the day: he said "midline" then put the ultrasound wand over my lower pelvis and said "head".  Bam.  YES!!!!!  It worked!  I'm so impressed with this doc's skills.  Remarkable.  

I started weeping tears of absolute joy and relief.  Oh, it was such an emotional moment.  You'd have thought I just birthed the baby I was so emotional.   Still hanging upside down.   Funny.

They monitored his heart rate and checked to see if he could get us a profile shot (but couldn't, his hand was in the way).  Since Baby did so well during the procedure and immediately after, we were free to go.... before the terbutaline even kicked in ;-)

Baby continued to be active all afternoon, which was reassuring to me.  He has since been burrowing (ow!) so I know he's doing great.  Whew!

I was pretty sore after the appointment, but am feeling better already.  Baby has definitely dropped- my stomach is noticeably lower and more compact without his big, heavy head pushing forward on my bellybutton.  My tummy feels much more like it did when I was pregnant with Owen.  Ah, sweet memories.  Carrying breech feels SO different from this.  

I'm obviously so thankful that the procedure worked- it was worth every penny and every second of pain!  I'm thrilled that we don't have to worry about a c-section, or try to decide about birthing at home or at the hospital to deliver a breech babe.  We can just continue on with our original plans!  

Sweet Kraig is convinced that I am going to labor super fast and we'll have an accidental home birth.  We'll see about that ;-)  Though I also know that I can decide at any point to just stay here if I don't feel like going in to the birth center.  But they do have big, beautiful birthing tubs... and 24 hour personal doulas.... and meal service from local restaurants.  Oh yes.

Nerves

This is it!  The big day!  Well not THE big day, but an important one nonetheless.

My version is scheduled at noon PST (that's 3pm for you Ohioans) and we're hopeful that it is all going to turn out just fine!  Baby is going to flip and we're going to skip merrily to our midwife appointment and proceed as planned.

Right?

Right!





If not, well I'll crawl back here to mope and sob and vent.  Let's just hope for the former, 'kay?

Pregnancy: 38 weeks!

We're almost there!  I mean- it could be any day now which is the thrilling part- right?!

I feel more crampy contractions lately.  I'm hoping they hold off for another week before they really turn into something serious though.  I'm holding out for an 11/11/11 (and head-down) baby!  We'll see.

It's kind of surreal even talking about when he might come because I still can't grasp that we're really going to have another baby. I'm actually going to go into labor and I'm really going to push out a baby and get to hold him and take him home.  I think it's even more surreal this time because I've not had the chance to really focus on that part of it like we did during Owen's pregnancy.  I'm too busy with Owen and housework and projects.... But indeed, there will be a baby at the end of this.  I won't just stay pregnant forever.

We have the crib set up in the boys' room and Owen's custom blanket came in the mail!  Once I add a few finishing touches to the room I'll post some photos.  The room is still very much in transition from gender neutral (how it was with just Owen) to ALL BOY.  I'm so excited!  We also finished up a few projects around the house and are feeling much more prepared now!

I am in a TON of pain this week.  I'm really quite miserable and can hardly do anything besides quietly shuffle around the house.  It's mostly pubic joint pain (YOWZA it's awful!) and also sore muscles from vomiting (gross) as well as doing all sorts of crazy inversions and crawling around on my hands and knees trying to get baby to turn.  I can hardly walk!  I'm truly a sad sight to see.  My midwives were not happy to see me in such a state... But hopefully once my muscles heal I'll be in far less pain.

My appointment this week was good.  Maternal-fetal medicine recommended that we start doing growth scans, BPPs and NSTs last week, but since my numbers have been good I opted to just schedule a BPP/NST (glorified ultrasound, in layman's terms) for my 40th week if I haven't popped him out yet.  My midwife thinks that's a great plan.  She palpated my tummy and he doesn't seem too big or too small, and he is very active so I'm not at all worried about him.  (The check-in where we diagnosed him as breech was two days later...)

Usually cervical checks start at 37 weeks but my midwife does not offer them until 40 and I have not requested one yet.  I think perhaps next week I will ask for a cervical check and, if dilated, a "stretch and sweep".  If you don't know what that is, don't ask.  It *could* get things going, it also might not.  We'll see if it's even a possibility first, so don't get too excited!  I won't do the S&S unless baby turns, of course.

I chose my preferred birthing suite and we're all set as far as labor is concerned.  The only thing my midwife cautioned me about was my SPD (pubic joint pain) during labor.  There are positions to avoid so as not to cause serious trauma or damage.  She also mentioned that a lot of mothers find the pain during labor to be even greater than the pain of contractions.  Um.  Yikes.  I have talked to a fair amount of mothers with SPD though and they have had good experiences with it during labor.  It seems if I know my limitations for positions, try to get in the tub for some water therapy (planned on it anyway), and push in a few optimal positions that I will be okay.  Here's hoping.  I think I'll just have to plan on staying in the water (I did anyway) as long as baby is doing okay.  It seems birthing "on land" is less comfortable for this particular issue.

Teaser: It will be pretty cool for him to be birthed in the water because his name's meaning is a reference to some sort of water... sorry that's vague.  Wouldn't want to give it away :-)

Anyway, so I guess you can say the shine has worn off.  I'm in terrible pain, but still not uncomfortable being pregnant, if that makes sense.  I don't feel huge or cumbersome.  I'm hurting, but I'm used to it.  All that to say, I'm still not in a huge hurry to get this over with.  Funny, because most people that talk to me assume I'm "so done" and I just sort of laugh and say, no, not really.  We're still patient and quite zen about the whole thing.  He'll come just as soon as he's ready and that's okay with us.


I wrote a lot of that post before we found out he was breech.  It's kind of sad to read it now because I'm not sure that I will get that gentle birth experience that I so badly want for me and my baby.  I know there is still a good chance, and that everything will turn out fine (positive attitude!) but we are also exploring other options right now, just in case, since we're so far along.  I've been speaking with a home-birth midwife and K and I have been discussing what it would look like to be in a hospital whether planned or for an emergency c-section.


I can't tell you how difficult it is to be *thisclose* to a c-section.  What I mean is that I've never had reason to believe that it was ever a threat, in either pregnancy.  Now it seems like a worst-case scenario that I should prepare myself for.  I will be writing a birth plan of sorts so that Kraig knows what to tell the doctors *if* a c-section becomes necessary.  It would include mother- and baby- friendly things such as allowing skin time with me or Kraig if possible, keeping baby with Kraig (again, if possible) while I am in recovery, initiating breastfeeding ASAP, absolutely NO sugar water, formula only if absolutely required, etc.  AGAIN- I do NOT think I will need a c-section and we are doing everything possible to avoid it, including staying positive!  But I would be remiss not to have a plan.


I had an acupuncture/moxibustion appointment yesterday and we have been continuing the moxa treatments here at home.  They encourage movement, they don't CAUSE him to move immediately though.  So we're being patient with that.  Stats show that external versions are more successful if moxa has been done for 4-5 days prior to the ECV so we'll see!  I've been reading lots of successful ECV stories and trying to remain hopeful.  


We're basically just in a holding pattern, though, and I feel like after Wednesday we'll have a lot more to discuss and possibly some hard decisions to make.  We always have the option of just going into labor and seeing if he can/will/did turn at that point.  If so, we can proceed as planned.  If not.... well..... we'll see.

Just like his daddy

That's an awfully cute title for a post that is going to be kind of a downer.  Let's roll with it.  

So, I was a belly model on Thursday.  First let me just say that it was so fun!  I felt very pampered- 75 minutes of foot massages and doting over my belly will do that!  Seriously though, those foot massages.  Wow.  It was everything I could do to stay awake, I was so relaxed.

During the "session" I had 15 different women- mostly student midwives in their first year of training- come palpate my belly to check for baby's position (for their benefit, not mine of course) and practice other clinical skills such as checking for fetal heart tones, measuring fundal height, checking for diastasis recti, etc.  It was great.  They were all so eager and so complimentary- swooning over baby's very apparent movements, ogling my henna belly, and generally just treating me like a queen- offering water, etc.  Like I said, it was awesome.  Two of the instructors and long-time midwives were there and they, too, came to dote on my belly and palpate a bit.  More than a bit, really.  They seemed awfully curious, to tell you the truth.  I didn't think much of it at the time but....

My midwife called me today and said that the head teacher (a good friend of hers and her former instructor) called her to let her know that she had seen me the day before as a belly model and that she was concerned about baby's position.  She wasn't fully convinced that he was in a cephalic presentation (head-down) and wanted my midwife to know.  Well, Stephanie asked me to just swing by the birth center for a quick check.  I thought it was kind of silly, to be honest, because I just KNEW that baby was head down.  He'd been head down!  Hiccups were felt down low!  I was just SURE of it!  

Sometimes I'm wrong, you guys. (I also haven't felt hiccups in a few days....)

I went in and within 20 seconds of beginning to feel my belly Stephanie said "Yup that's a definite breech."  Just like Kraig was.  (While there is not *supposed* to be a genetic factor for breech presentation, it does have a weird way of popping up in families.....)

Crap. 

Kraig wasn't in the room yet, and she said she'd go grab another midwife to confirm and that it seemed that they could likely move him right then (he was in an oblique lie- kind of diagonal in my tummy).  Kraig came in while she stepped out and I told him what she said... and promptly burst into tears.  All the what-ifs and decisions that needed to be made flooded my mind.  This is so not what I wanted to be thinking about as we are SO close to welcoming baby into the world. 

The second midwife confirmed, and we talked about options.  They could attempt to turn him, I could continue on to my chiropractor appointment that afternoon and have her try (Webster technique), I could try acupuncture and moxibustion (both have amazing success rates), or I could schedule an External Cephalic Version with ultrasound for next Wednesday at a nearby naturopathic/midwifery clinic.  We opted for the ECV with ultrasound so that the position of the cord and placenta could be confirmed.  (there are also positions and things to try at home- music, ice packs, "breech tilt", inversions, etc.)  We're also obviously REALLY hoping I don't go into labor before Wednesday.  I mean, it's not super likely, but it could definitely happen.

And then what.... 

Well if he turns and stays, hooray!  We can just continue on as planned with our birth center birth and chosen midwife (Stephanie).

If he doesn't turn or turns but then flips back to breech we also have a few more options to think about....

-I could schedule a c-section.  HAHA!  Oh my, if you know me at all you know that nobody is coming near my abdomen with a knife unless it's an absolute 100% emergency.  A breech presentation is NOT an emergency.  Not at all.  But I'll save that speech for a different time.  

-Another option is to birth at one of the local hospitals that offers vaginal breech delivery.  This would look a bit different from a normal vaginal birth in that I would have to labor and deliver in the operating room.  This is so that IF baby got stuck or was otherwise in distress (i.e. emergency) they could cut me open right then and there.  From what I understand, these particular hospitals do NOT automatically place an epidural (some do so that mama is already numb in case of needed c-section).  I *think* that would mean that if an emergency arose that I would be put under general anesthesia?  Not sure.  Need to ask more questions about that if it comes up.  They would also only allow this if he was in a frank breech presentation.  There is also a lot of monitoring, etc.

-Yet another option is home-birth with a midwife experienced in breech delivery.  There are *lots* of options in Portland, but I think as of right now Kraig and I are thinking of this as a second option (behind vaginal breech hospital birth).  Of course, scheduled c-section is the LAST thing I would do.  Ever.  For any reason.  Heh. 

We're trying to stay positive.  Obviously I am bummed and frustrated.  This pregnancy has had far more complications than I would have ever hoped for.  However, we know that there are lots of options to try to get baby to turn and we are willing to try every single one of them before he makes his appearance.  We are obviously also running out of time.  Ideally a breech presentation would have been diagnosed and "corrected" by 37 weeks, but both my midwife and chiropractor are convinced that he has lots of room and seems easy to flip.  Here's hoping they are right.  My ECV will be performed at 39 weeks and while that's "late" for such a procedure it has been done before and has. a reasonable chance of being successful, especially since I am a second time mom (read: roomier uterus) and baby is not engaged in the pelvis.  I can't say I'm not nervous- an ECV is not exactly the most gentle procedure.... But if it works, it works.