Friends

I knew before we left Cleveland that there was a chance that I might get a little emotional as we adjusted to our new life in Portland.  In the past I have tended to get a bit nostalgic, sometimes even homesick.  Kraig and I talked about this many times before we left Cleveland as we wondered what it would be like to move.  I kept telling him that I might really miss some people, yet he brushed it off and just focused on how excited we would be to finally get here.

Those sentiments were true on our final days in Cleveland, too.  Kraig was calm and steady as usual, and I was a blubbering mess at times!  I kept asking him if he thought he would be sad when we left, and he was consistent in his response: "No, I know that we are doing what we are supposed to do, and I am excited."  He was right; moving to Portland has been our dream for years, and we were actually doing it!  Few people get to realize one of their dreams, and I am glad that he has never taken it for granted.  Still, I knew that I would be sad, if not also extremely excited about what was to come.

Our final farewells came and went and Kraig never showed any sadness, not even in private. (I don't mean for Kraig to sound heartless- just pointing out that he is much more able to focus on the future and I sometimes tend to focus on the past.  We complement each other well- I can't imagine the misty-eyed mess we'd be in if we were both like me!)  I, on the other hand, had more than a couple tearful goodbyes, and wept often and earnestly at the thought of the goodbyes that I didn't get to have, whether because of distance or because of Owen's trip to the hospital that forced us to cancel our farewell party.  I was sad to say goodbye to friends that I wouldn't see for a while, I was sad when we walked out of Owen's very first bedroom for the last time, I was sad when we left the city where we had started our life together, and I was sad that there might be parts of our life- our favorite spots, sentimental places- that we may never get to share with Owen.

Granted, my sadness faded away as we headed out on the road, but it was genuine sadness while it lasted!

Either way, it's been a really great few months here in Portland.  I can't explain how much more full of joy we are now that we are in a place that we love.  Everything holds so much more meaning- there is so much more possibility now that we know that we will be here for as long as we can imagine.  There are friendships to be made, new favorites to be discovered, a niche to be carved for us.  It's all so exciting and so life-giving.

But there have been a few negatives (for me, not for Kraig.  Are you sensing a pattern?)  It's tough for me to adjust to being at home with Owen 24/7.  I didn't realize how much I needed the time to myself until I didn't have it anymore.  We're searching for balance and I'm confident that we will find it soon.  I also didn't realize how much I needed my friends until I had to start over and try to find new ones.  No friends coupled with a lack of balance and personal time leads to a very stressed out J.  Again, there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I have met some absolutely fantastic women through our church as well as through the power of the internet and I am definitely looking forward to forging close bonds.  I need community and quality time with friends, and I am starting to get some of both.

But I still miss some of my friends back in Cleveland.  This is again where Kraig and I differ.  He always knew that we would not be in Cleveland long-term, so he held back from forming any close friendships. He had many friends- just nobody with whom he was very close.  I couldn't do that- I am an all-or-nothing type of friend!  I am instantly trusting, vulnerable, and attached, sometimes to a fault.  I either want to be friends, or I don't.  Like I said- all or nothing.  This lead to me making some very meaningful (at least for me, though I don't think it was always one-sided) friendships with quite a few women in Ohio.

And now, almost 3 months since we left, I am starting to really, really miss them.  I know I will see all those women again sometime and it will be as if no time has passed.  That's how it goes with great friends, right?  All I know is that I have tearfully reminisced about those friendships over the past few days and I wanted you all to know, if you are reading, that you are missed.